My first foray into the real world
Up until now I’ve not really given you any really old posts, so today I dig up the original oldie. The first post on her real world. I’ve included the (poor quality) photo of me taken on the day I passed my thesis defense. My mom always asks me to not fake smile for photos. I can honestly say that was one of the biggest real smiles I’d ever smiled. Ever. So here you go, to commemorate my tenth post on her “new” real world: My first foray into the real world
Originally posted April 28, 2005.
This hallowed first post was going to be about how I felt the day after I defended my thesis. At least when I created this blog a few weeks ago, that’s what I’d planned. I always like setting goals and deadlines for myself and then change them when the day I’m supposed to do them comes along.
It was supposed to be a sappy declaration of how it felt to no longer be a student, how relieved I was to be done, how proud of I was of myself for passing my defence, etc. In retrospect (since the day after my defence was a week yesterday), I think that would have been a very boring thing to read.
Instead I’ll tell you about the first time I was deathly afraid that I wasn’t a student anymore. That’s right, deathly afraid.
It started out as an innocent comment I made about how some TV personalities were not real news anchors.
Now, before the internet assaults me as well, I mean no ill will against comedians who talk about the news or politics. My argument was that comedians who talk about the news do so for entertainment, and not the distribution of information. That’s all. I think that it’s wonderful that politics and the news is becoming more mainstream (at least on some comedy shows), and it’s wonderful that there is a palatable source of information out there for people who don’t like watching news shows or reading the paper.
However.
The conversation did not go as planned. It ended with me throwing up my hands and leaving the room. This was kind of awkward, because this person was a guest in my home, but my leaving didn’t seem to bother them at all. I don’t usually have such a public tantrum, but I’d had a headache all day and I just really could not handle my brain exploding in front of company. So I stayed in the bedroom until he left, and decided that the conversation I just had would be the topic of the first post I made to this blog.
Oh, and if I haven’t already mentioned (and I’m pretty sure I haven’t) I write really long posts.
While in my bedroom, I decided to write a list of words and phrases that described my reactions to the debate. Many of the words had to do with feelings of frustration and hopelessness, about how even though I gave a solid argument it really meant nothing. I felt as though my degree had been a waste, because all the information I had learned and all the growing I had done in university really hadn’t meant anything in that conversation. I felt a sense of loss, as I wondered whether or not I’d ever have another conversation like I used to have in class where people respected what each other had to say, even if they didn’t agree with it. I realized that all the passion I have for all the research I’ve done didn’t mean anything to this person and that was scary.
I’m glad I took a couple of days to think about this before I wrote it, as many of the words I wrote down on the little sticky note lacked reason. Looking back, I know that the opinions of this one person are only their opinions, and the fact that the boyfriend agreed with me made me realize that everything had not been for nothing. The one thing I will not apologize was the emotion and passion with which I debated.
And I learned some things.
First of all, I learned that if I’m wearing pyjama pants, I probably should refrain from saying controversial things. Yes. I was in my PJ pants. It was not fancy company, and as I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t feeling well.
Secondly, I learned that I can keep a cool head even when my opinion is not favoured, and I can hold it together even though I’m not feeling well. Even when I was told that I was to blame, I did not get defensive. I admit, when I got to the bedroom I wasn’t too happy, but what I do in my bedroom is my business.
Thirdly, I learned that it is important to keep a pen and paper beside my bed. Now that I think about it, I often analysed my thesis while I was in bed, but I never wrote anything down. Perhaps I would have been done quicker or had drafts done better if I would have put my bedtime thinking into action. I can even remember thinking about the preliminary format of my honours paper in bed while staying over at one of my friend’s houses. I remember that specifically as I couldn’t sleep because the bed squeaked.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I realized I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. I used to joke about academic people being isolated, but this was the first time (of I’m sure many more times) I felt the urge to return to the safety of the ivory tower. The real world is going to be a lot different for me, in good ways and in ways I’m going to have to negotiate. I’m going to enjoy not living on a student’s budget, but I think I’m really going to miss being able to think like a student who is able to put what I’m passionate about learning over anything else. Which sometimes I think included reason.
I’ve been in school since I was four years old (I’m a September baby), and this will be the first time where I won’t have school to look forward to in September. I get a little teary eyed just typing that. No more first day of grade whatever pictures, no more school supply shopping, no more moving into a new residence. But there’s also no more schoolwork, no more paying tuition, no more worrying about graduation. Well, there is a little worry about graduation. Like what I’m going to wear and such.
Things are going to be different, and that’s part of the reason I created this blog. I’ve had various other online outlets, but there have always been problems. And every previous online outlet I’ve had has had a statement similar to the one I’m making right…now. Every time I’ve tried something online, it’s not worked. First I went completely anonymous, but it was in a forum where community was important. The second time I went completely me, and I found myself not saying what I wanted because I was afraid I’d be judged. The times after that have been combinations of anonymity and being completely me, and all have failed.
I’d like to think that perhaps this one will be different. I’m hoping that I can find some balance between being me and being her. I hope the main reason that this one might be different is that this is not an online journal. It’s going to be an online writing project. I’m going to write about all the things I’m able to do now that school does not consume my life and I (hopefully sooner rather than later) have more disposable income.
And for the record, I always liked Oz better than Kansas anyways. No offence to Kansas, but the last time I heard, the only place to see a horse of many colours was Oz.