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Oh my, this is great. You know how I posted a “7 things about me” on the weekend? Well it seems that it was the second time I’d done that meme. Oh how time flies.

The only problem with this one is that it was during my “in denial” stage where I blogged about things that weren’t true to make it seem like I was okay. So to better show you how I used to do that, I’ve used strike through quite liberally in this update. And italics are additions that I made today. Enjoy!

Originally posted: October 9, 2008

I’ve been tagged by J., and am tagging everyone!

1. I aboslutely adore making lists, especially lists about me.  I think I need to do a new 100 Things About Me list, because the old one is from a much different time.  I’m actually said that my lists category only has one entry in it.  Well two now, including this.  My love of lists expands to chore lists (I like making the lists, not doing the chores), grocery lists, lists of things I’d like to buy…the list goes on! This is all still 100% true.

2. I’m a big fan of Facebook.  I use Twitter to update my status, and I upload most of the photos from my iPhone.  I post links and pictures that I really like, and want to share.  I import this blog so that people can read my posts from there. (Hi people who read my posts via Facebook!)  I play Tiny Adventures I don’t even remember what this is, maybe Dungeons and Dragons related? and keep track of books that I read.  I just love, love, love Facebook. Facebook is mostly for stalking people. I’ve got a page there for this webpage so that people who choose to see my blog posts and if they ever get the Twitter app to work I’ll be a bit happier. But still. Ugh. Smart Twitter for Pages saves the day. After writing this post I fiddled some more and finally found a solution. This Facebook apps filters out all the @’s and the RT’s and the #hashtags so that my Facebook peeps are not subjected to Twitter clutter. /cheer

3. I used to play Dungeons and Dragons.  And I love it.  Right now I’m a 12th level monk, who is a kalashtar named Cosmaashana.  I recently realized that I accidentally removed all of my previous posts on her when I revamped the blog, so I’ll be putting those back up pronto.  You will notice that her name has a link, and all of the posts will eventually be in the Cosmaashana category. I have posts kicking around somewhere of some creative writing that I did with this character, I’m sure I’ll post them someday. I’m currently working on a related but super secret project that involves a sketchbook, some pencils, a canvas and some paint.  I’m sure you’ll hear about it soon. I’m sure you won’t hear about it soon as I have no idea what it was. I can assure you that I have plenty of sketchbooks, pencils, canvas, and paint laying around the house though. Chances are I was going to illustrate one of the adventures, but I can’t really say for sure. As a side note, I really would like to start playing again. I’m thinking maybe even trying to be a Dungeon Master. We shall see. Until then I’ve started a Draenei Priest named Cosmaashana in World of Warcraft to tide me over.

4. I love my job. I said that because I was still in it. I don’t talk about my job on my blog, but that’s because I’d rather not.  This is generally a good policy and I still stick to it. I didn’t say anything about writing about jobs I’m not in at the moment. And technically I’m just on personal leave so we’ll see. I also don’t talk about my *really* personal life either. Yes, I do. Well parts of it. I’ll tell you all anything (but not everything) I tell my Mom. In both cases it’s because things happen at work and in my *really* personal life that implicate other people, other people who might not want to be talked about on the internet.  Back to my job.  I really love it, even if sometimes It’s going terribly.  The transition between being a student and being a professional has been a hard one, but I can say I think I’m finally at the beginning of “there”.  I’ve learned some lessons the hard way, but that’s sometimes how life goes. Amen.

5.  I’m in love with James Bond, and my favourite James Bond is Daniel Craig.  Who I often get mixed up with Clive Owen.  But it’s definitely Daniel Craig that I am in love with, and not Clive Owen.  This may or may not have anything to do with this picture.  It also may or may not have anything to do the swim trunks that he’s wearing.  But let me assure you, my love of James Bond runs much deeper than any physical attraction I may or may not have to Daniel Craig. I was in love with James Bond because the ex liked it. I now think James Bond is okay to watch and more think that Daniel Craig is hot. The end.

6. I am in love with all things England.  The time I spent in London is one of the most memorable times in my life, and the people I lived with and the people I visited that I had met when they came to Canada are some of the dearest and most wonderful people on earth.  I love the tradition, I love the buildings, I love the hundreds of years of history, I love the parliamentary system, I love the Tube, I just love, love, love all things England.  I terribly want to go back when I’m not dirt poor. Still 100% true.

7. I am a terrible procrastinator.  Right now I’m procrastinating about going home and getting cleaned up for my parent’s arrival tomorrow evening.  I’ve been a procrastinator my whole life, just ask my Mom about my project about cows that I did in Grade Three.  I should really scan that sucker and post it. Once again, 100% me.

I guess that wasn’t so bad, eh?

It’s about to get honest in here. As this is Mental Health Week (CMHA needs help with its website, I can’t find a decent link to include anywhere), I thought I’d share some of my mental health stories. I’m actually in a “down” period right now.  Which is why I’m only blogging on the second day of Mental Health Week (thanks to V. for reminding me via Facebook!) as lately I have not really been paying attention to anything other than the colour of my navel lint. But for today’s post I’m going to focus on happiness, and how I’m trying to be happy and not just look happy.

I spend a lot of time telling myself that I’m happy and have no reason to be sad. Which isn’t true at all, but I’m good at lying to myself. I’m also good at lying to my family, friends, and complete and utter strangers. I’m good at blaming one situation on another, with telling others that I’m alright when I’m not, and avoiding unhappiness instead of confronting it.

The photo I’ve included with this post is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. I even labeled it “Me looking happy (with dishes)” when I originally uploaded it to Flickr.

When I posted this photo, I told everyone I was finally happy.  And I was. Kind of. I’d just “done my dishes” for the first time in the four months since I’d been dumped. And if I’m being honest here (which I am), I’ll tell you the reason why I said “done my dishes”. They were mostly done. I had hidden a few grungy plastic containers under my sink. Which my Mom found when they visited the following July. I was embarrassed and reminded of my manufactured happiness.

So in this photo I’m looking happy. Not being happy.

Shortly after this photo was taken, the dishes situation at my house returned to catastrophic. Discussions with my therapists (that’s right, in the plural! At one point I had three mental health professionals trying to figure me out!) brought out the fact that the cleanliness of my apartment was an indicator of how happy I was in my heart. But I wasn’t cleaning up or making any effort to clean up either.

That was three years ago, just about to the day.

This period in my life was defined by the fact that I was freshly single, in a job where I was being overworked, under appreciated, and emotionally abused on a regular basis, and barely making ends meet in a lonely apartment that was too expensive.  Eventually I was “promoted” (not once, but twice!) via an acting position at the job I hated. With the “promotions” I was able to live more comfortably and I wasn’t as lonely thanks to a lovely pair of kittens. I even played with the idea of dating a few people, then I thought I was dating someone but really wasn’t. And then I pined after a boy I couldn’t have.

I learned that I didn’t like being single, but I eventually came to terms with it. I learned that I loved living with cats. I learned that I was in a job that was stealing my life away.

That was about one year ago, give or take a month.

My dear friend V. would scrutinize the boys I’d fallen in love with. I was very thankful for this as some of my choices were not so great. She’d reassure me every time my heart was broken that I just had to be patient. That he was out there.

But this was hard to hear. I was unhappy in my job and I thought that if I found a boyfriend that he could move in with me and that would solve my money issues as everything would be split in half. Talk about romance eh? Every day that passed without finding “the one” was another day wasted. Even though I should have been evaluating what I was doing every day in my cubicle and why my money situation was the way that it was. But that’s another story for another day. I blamed my unhappiness on not having a boyfriend and ignored the fact that I was unhappy at work.

But he was out there.

Meeting Joe and him living in another city made me explore my comfort zone. I had always assumed that since I had a good public service job that anyone I met (in Ottawa or not) would want to move in with me in my snazzy downtown apartment with the 40 foot balcony.  I had no idea that I’d fall in love with someone who would make me reconsider all of the things I thought were given and that boyfriends were more than just someone to pay half of the bills. I didn’t know I’d find the balls to take a year of personal leave from the public service to sort things out and follow my heart to Toronto.

This past year has been transformative.

I’m writing this as I sit at my desk wearing a t-shirt and the best pair of shorts (in my move to Toronto I threw out my old grey pair of shorts, but today would have been a good day to wear them) I could find. Well, at least that’s what I’m telling you.  Money is tight as I’m being stubborn about finding a job, so we’re back to living off ramen noodle and hot dogs. I’m only sort of kidding. Joe likes vegetables so we eat lots of those too. My desk is a disaster area. There may or may not be dirty dishes in the vicinity, but I’m not going to say for sure as my desk is in the kitchen so dirty dishes are allowed. And they are from yesterday, so it’s not like they have been there that long anyhow. I’m upset right now that I can’t hang my shelves where I want to as I’m having trouble finding a place I can reliably screw them to the wall. This means that everything I wanted to put on the shelves and on the walls is still not unpacked. Laundry is being done on an “as needed” basis, and since I never need to leave the apartment I bet you can tell where this is going.

I’ve transformed from a well-paid public servant to a self-employed writer who has a hard time getting out of bed.

But I’m closer to being happy than I’ve ever been. Joe is more supportive of me than I could have ever imagined a partner could be. He tells me everything is going to be alright when I’m crying in bed telling him about my feelings of guilt, worthlessness and impending sense of doom. He understands that I’ve had a terrible time at work for the past four years and that I’m a little gun shy and that I don’t want to get hurt again. I’m trying my best to reach out to my support networks and tell them how I really feel, as opposed to how I think they want me to feel. I’m rewarded by emails and phone calls from family and friends making sure I’m alright. And I tell them I’m sad, but not as sad as I’ve been before. I appreciate their gentle nudges about finding a job. I appreciate everything more.

So I’m not happy today, but thanks to my support circles I’ve been able to take risks that will make it more likely that I will be happier tomorrow.

(P.S. Because I was being honest and telling you all that I want to be a writer, I proof-read this a bajillion times. But because it’s late and lets face it I’m feeling depressed, we’re just going to press publish. Viva the imperfections of blogging!)