Post inspired by Mr. Joe Bougher’s idea to see what we’d write for our very last post. Photo taken July 7, 2004 before this blog was even a thought and before I’d done any of the growing I’ve done since then.

If I’ve met you (face to face or online, no matter) and we’ve had a conversation, you will always be in my heart.

Before I go on, I just want you to know that I wish I had blogged to you more often. Just about every day since I created this blog in April 2005 after I finished my Master’s degree, I think about things I’d like to blog about and photos that I’d like to share with you. But weeks went by and all of a sudden it was a new year.

Moving along.

One of the (many) things I’ve learned while I’ve had this blog is that my heart and my brain are very much connected. Some people can easily make decisions with their heart with which their head won’t agree. Some people can easily make decisions with their head with which their heart won’t agree. I cannot easily do either. This causes me heartache. I’ve lost many opportunities because of this. I have a hard time not being Melanie all of the time, flaws and all.

I can remember one year (I was in my teens) at Corn and Apple (the local summer festival) I really wanted a slave bracelet (“a wrist bracelet joined to a ring by a chain”) and I was very excited that I’d saved the money to buy one. I went to all the vendors and found the one I wanted. It had a yin-yang symbol on it and I loved it. I have large fingers, so I made sure it fit the finger I wanted it to fit. It was $27, which was a lot of money to me. There were a lot of people and the vendor was hurrying me along as she didn’t like that I was touching things. Now that I think about it, I was a punk kid so she probably thought that I was going to take it. So I rushed. And I bought it.

Heart before head. I wanted the bracelet bad.

As I was walking away, I tried to put it on. The ring fits. The bracelet does not. My stomach drops. I turn around to a huge “NO REFUNDS” sign. I panic. I turn around and turn on the charm while trying not to cry. It works. I have my $27 back. But no bracelet.

Why is this story important?

I’m still sick to my stomach every time I think about this. Writing this down was hard. The anxiety I felt weighed on me and the guilt I felt for making a rash decision haunted me for a very long time. I had nightmares about it and can remember coming into my parent’s bedroom one night in tears because I couldn’t get back to sleep.

What this shows about me: I think about things. I mull things over. I replay events over and over again in my head, both good and bad. What if I had said that? What if I had done that? What if I had blogged more? What if I’d tweeted less? What if I hadn’t told people that I loved them?

So. If this were my last post, this is what I’d want to say:

I love you Dad. I love you Mom. I love you little sister. I love you little brother. I love you Joe. I love all of the family members who are up in heaven watching down.

I love you Buttons. I love you Clawdia. I love you Pawlyanna. I love you Shadow. I love you Shelby. I love all of the pets who are up in heaven getting belly rubs for eternity.

To my dearest lady and gentlemen friends (in the order we met) CG, ZY, AH, VN, OH, VB, JS, EM, JD, DZ: You are loved.

To the little kiddos out there that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting: You are loved.

To all of you: If I’ve met you and we’ve had a conversation, you will always be in my heart.

My last post summed things up pretty well. I still don’t have any photos of unicorns or rainbows, but I’m working on it. Instead you can have a photo I took on Easter weekend on a chilly beach in Sudbury.

Summer is here and I’m preparing for a week of vacation in sunny Manitoba. I’m knitting up a storm because I’ve not used these past six months to finish my family’s Christmas presents. I’m one and a half down, two and a half to go. There will be many photos of finished projects once they are blocked and such, so stay tuned!

Much progress has been made in the cleaning of the apartment and the brain/soul searching I’ve been doing. Applying for jobs once again is a humbling and frustrating experience. So many of the jobs I’d love to do and I am perfectly qualified for are being posted, but it’s so obvious that they are being posted for someone already in the position. Requiring 2.46 years experience in the position is kind of a dead giveaway. Okay maybe I’m exaggerating.

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my (very short less than five year) career. And I get caught up in them. When really I need to focus on the bills. Because sometimes little details get lost in the big picture. For the first time ever I’m working on having more than one iron in the fire (even though there is one really big iron right now that I’m not talking about for fear of jinxing it) and we’ll see how it goes.

But that will wait. At least until I get home from Manitoba. I plan on taking lots of photos. And doing yard work. And working on super secret projects. And hopefully at least once being able to dabble my toes in one of Manitoba’s fine lakes. Will it be Lake Minnewasta or Lake Winnipeg? Who knows!

But most of all I’m looking forward to spending quality time with Mom, Dad, little sister, and little brother. I love being in Toronto and I loved being in Ottawa. But I love my family like bonkers and it’s so terrible to be away from them. They worry about me being jobless and being able to provide for myself while being so far away. I worry about that too. Someday I want to have a job where I can have the flexibility to go home for a week and it not be Christmas time. I’m lucky that Joe was able to get this week off work. I’m lucky (and unlucky at the same time) that I’m able to go because I don’t have a job.

The soul searching continues. And the knitting. Oh gosh the knitting.

I’m happy.

Like rainbows and unicorns happy.

That’s right, I said it. I’m being happy just been being.

I’m not having to capture moments with Joe because they are so few and far between. I’m not travelling between Ottawa and Toronto on a cramped bus. I’m not having panic attacks about work. I’ve had enough contracts to help Joe make sure we’re eating. I’ve had lots of cuddle time with my cats. I call Mom and Dad and tell them about my day and I don’t whine and complain. I’m volunteering more. I’m meeting new people. In fact, I met some really great people tonight and hope I can hang with them more often.

My biggest problem at the moment is PMS. But that’s a short-lived problem. My biggest worry? What I’ll pack for my upcoming trip to Manitoba.

That’s right, I’m not worried about cleaning (apartment is a mess, oh well) or anything. I’m just happy being.

So beware. Lots of ideas are brewing, especially ones that might help me stay in this self-employed state of bliss.

That includes a lot more photos to make up for all the ones I’ve not taken recently. Especially ones of rainbows and unicorns.

/vanishes

• Thank the person who gave them this award/roped them into this meme. (Thanks Bad Mummy!)
• Share 7 things about myself.
• Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who I’ve recently discovered and that I think are fantastic! I’m not very good at tagging people, so if you read this…you are tagged!

I also think it’s worth noting that seven things is really too easy. The last list I did about myself (in 2005! When I started blogging!) was 100 things. Without any further adoooo, here we go!

1. I’ve got the best boyfriend on earth. He’s the brother of a friend from Ottawa and we met at her birthday party. We started talking on the phone and the Internet and quite quickly realized that seeing each other in person quite regularly was something we wanted to do. We spent almost a year traveling between Ottawa and Toronto and then I decided that I was ready to pick up and start fresh in Toronto. And we’ve been living together ever since. I love him dearly and he doesn’t even annoy me one little bit ever.

2. I love working. I’m not a workaholic as I’m way too lazy for that. But when I have work to do that’s appreciated/that makes my brain work/that makes me feel needed I am in love! The money is of course nice, but much better is being able to communicate and collaborate and cheer each other on. And for your information, I’m on a contract right now that I LOVE TO BITS. This is big because I used to be very unhappy at work. I worked for the public service and had some very emotional and psychologically moments that affected me deeply.

3. I play World of Warcraft. In fact, I’m playing as I type this. I’ve been playing Horde since October 2006 (I think…) and I just recently started playing Alliance. I love both for different reason, but am right now really digging Alliance as it’s a whole new game. I have a level 80 druid, a level almost 80 paladin and two lowbies: a priest and a shaman. As you can tell, I love playing classes capable of healing. My favourite races to play are tauren, draenei, and night elf.  I’ve been playing Warcraft since the beginning and I love everything about it: the lore, the graphics, the everything!

4. I have gained and now lost a significant amount of weight in my 28 years on this planet. My main gain happened in university and the leadup to entering the public service. Being unceremoniously dumped added the final 20 pounds. I went to the doctor and she of course wanted me to lose weight and provided a much needed push. My little sister was also getting married and I didn’t want to be the fat sister bridesmaid. I was still a chubby sister bridesmaid, but as of the wedding I’d lost almost 50 pounds. That’s been a year now and I’ve not really made much of an effort, but thanks to changes in eating patterns my weight now starts with a two for the first time in a long time.

5. I call myself a writer these days and I’m quite happy about that. In my last list I mentioned that I wanted to call myself a writer so I’m happy to say that after five years I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I am one! I had a bit of a rough go while I was working for the public service because I had a manager who pretty much destroyed any confidence I had about any of my skills, but since then I’ve had lots of opportunities to prove to myself and others that I can make writing happen with my fingers.

6. I love food and food related activities. I used to be an emotional eater and now I’m just an eater. And a maker. I love to make and eat things, or go out and eat things, or have someone make things for me so that I can eat them. I’m not a picky eater at all, but I’ve finally learned that I can say that I don’t prefer something and be okay with that. I’m not the biggest fan of some tofu related products (and soy can be pretty evil, more on that someday) but you deep fry it and chances are it goes in my belly. My favourite food are the wings of chickens: spicy or sweet or hot or saucy or not, I love ‘em all. And P.S. coffee rules.

7. I love my family more than anything. Perfect bookends: I started with Joe and for the finale I’ll talk about how awesome my Mom, my Dad, my little sister, and my little brother are. I have grown much closer to my family in the time that I’ve been away from Manitoba, and even more closer in the time since I was dumped. I realized then the importance of my support system and keeping it healthy. The phone and the Internet are lifelines to home and my visits are less far and few between.

So the last post my Dad looked a little grumpy. He’s not always grumpy when he has his photo taken. Sometimes he’s sleeping. Just kidding!

One thing about dedicating a post to one of my family member’s birthdays or Mother’s Day or what have you is that I get to spend a lot of time looking through my photos. Which is one of the greatest reasons that it’s 11:11 pm (make a wish!) and I’m only just starting the post for my Dad. I really started about two hours ago, but got carried away yelling for Joe to “come look!” every five minutes or so. I’ve also realized that my April 30 – May 14 is pretty busy in the family celebrations category.

Today is my Dad’s birthday but I didn’t get to talk to him. You see, he’s all hopped up on the latest and most hippest (legal) drugs recovering from knee surgery. He’s walking around, but still a little out of it so he’ll have to wait for his phone call. Mom says she brought him a card and a pineapple sundae from Dairy Queen. Joe and I had fried chicken and ribs from The Stockyards to celebrate. That deserves another blog post though.

The photo above is from his 60th birthday party where we surprised him with a tent and a band and all that jazz. Since that was a public event I can tell you that was in 2007 which makes him 63 years young. Plus, now he has a new knee so makes him a few years younger on top of that. Well, and a new knee last year. And a new hip the year before that. So he’s basically 29.

Buttons (the gorgeous canine in the photo) is my little sister and Dad spoils her rotten. He kisses her in front of company and has to end telephone conversations when it’s time to give her the evening cookie. Both Mom and Dad tell me they don’t have favourites, but I’m pretty sure they do and it’s either little brother or Buttons. You know what I mean little sister.

I’ve known my Dad for almost 29 years. He’s taught me a lot about life. I work hard, I like to make other people laugh, I know a good fart joke when I hear it. And even though he sometimes looks grumpy in photos, when he smiles the whole world lights up. Just like everyone he’s been through tough times and he’s taught me a lot about how to live my life and take care of myself and my family. And that it’s okay to kiss dogs in front of company.

So hopefully Mom makes Dad go to the computer and read this:

Hey Dad! Tonight Joe and I ate way too much fried chicken and ribs in honour of your birthday, when you come to Toronto I’ll take you there so you can get some too! Love, Melanie.

We have a more recent family picture, but it’s not nearly as cute as this one. For instance, in the newer photo I’m looking at the camera but my hair isn’t nearly as awesome. Little sister and brother are cute, but not as cute as this. Mom’s glasses are waaaaay smaller, but her smile is still as beautiful. And well, Dad’s not smiling in either photo . One of us has to be serious.

This is our family. And today is Mother’s Day. Well, for another hour it’s Mother’s Day. But I’ve already called my Mom and she’s already enjoyed a lovely supper compliments of little sister. Our family has a great Mom.

I’ve been procrastinating all day about what to say. Mom will appreciate this as she of all people knows how well I procrastinate. And I’m sure that before I even mention this, she’s already thought of my Grade Three project on cows. I’ll tell you about that some other time.

The main reason that I’ve been procrastinating is because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write. I’m usually pretty good about planning out a post before I write it, but this time I had so many ideas and so many stories I could tell that everything was all jumbled and nothing flowed. I wanted to make the perfect post for my perfect Mom and it just wasn’t turning out the way I wanted. So I decided I’d tell her (and the Internet) one really good thing.

My Mom hugs me enough.

One of the (many) things I know my Mom worries about, it’s that she didn’t hug me enough. I was (and still am) a weird kid. I didn’t really enjoy getting hugs. I’m still not really a hugger around people I don’t know very well. But I’ve come to appreciate hugs now, even if they make me feel uncomfortable. Especially if they are from my Mom. Cause these days when we’re so far apart, they are many but far between.

I love you Mom, Happy Mother’s Day. xoxoxo

Originally posted: 10 October 2004

• Having a great family. I have no reservations about saying that my family is the best one ever, and that I would not trade them for the world. I’m thankful for my dad, who taught me that anyone can be a friend, especially strangers. I’m thankful that through his sickness I’ve learned that happiness is not something to take for granted. I’m thankful that my mother was a stay at home mom and that she provided so much support to my siblings and I to go out into the world and do what we want. I’m happy that she has a new job, and wish her all the best. I’m thankful for a little sister who makes me realize that I’m not perfect, and makes me wish I was her. Her artistic talent is amazing, and I can hope that she is successful and happy, because she really deserves it. I’m thankful for a little brother who is like me in many ways, but smarter. He pulls off the “I’m smart but don’t have to work too hard” attitude much better than I did, and someday I hope his brain lands him right where he wants to be. I’m thankful for a dog who is cute as hell, plus some. And smart as…well, who loves her human family and would do anything to protect them.
• Having great friends far away. My many adventures have left me friends that I don’t always get to talk to all the time. There are my friends from childhood, who are moving farther away, but still are closer than ever. I’m thankful that I can call any of them, and no matter how long it had been since the last call, it’s like we talked yesterday. There are the friends I met in high school when I went on my trips. I don’t see or talk to any of them, I still think about them from time to time, and how they helped me grow. There are the friends of First Grenville, without whom I couldn’t have made it through first year. Though many of us don’t speak often anymore, I’ll never forget any of them. I’m thankful for the friends I made as a page, both within the Senate and without. I’m thankful every day that I wore the tulip tie. There are my friends from the UK, who are probably the farthest away. I’m thankful that I met such a great group of people, and that I’d have a place to stay when I return to London.
• Having great friends close by. I’m thankful for the support of my fellow students, who are all in the same boat thesis boat as me. I’m thankful for everyone at school who helps me out, and lets me know that I’m not as crazy as I think I am. I’m thankful for the people who occasionally I go out with, even though I know I’m too much of a homebody. Hopefully when the thesis is done, I’ll have more time. I’m thankful for the people I met over the summer, and hope we can work together again.
• Having the opportunity to go to university and get my Masters degree. Though sometimes I think I take the fact that I go to school for granted (i.e. not doing my work in a timely fashion, not putting as much time into it as I should), I really am thankful that I am able to go. Sometimes it is easy to forget that my little bubble of university friends and I are not the same as everyone else, and that there is a “real world” out there as well. I’m blessed to be able to “have a job” where I can go and talk about issues that perhaps not everyone has the time to do. I’ll get back to you if I’m thankful for doing a thesis or not.
• Having an apartment with enough walls, windows and doors. I may not always speak highly of my little one bedroom paradise, I’m thankful that I have a place that is safe and warm to go. I’m thankful for hot, running water and a fridge to keep my food cold. I’m happy that I have a TV, a computer and the internet. My apartment is starting to feel like a home, and we’ve only had to live in it now for two years to figure that out. Though I know we won’t stay here forever, I’m happy that we are here.
• Living in a beautiful city. I love Ottawa because it feels to me like it’s a city that thinks it’s in the country. I’m not assaulted by cars and fumes and smog all of the time, and there are plenty of green spaces (and right now orange and red and yellow spaces) that can make me forget that I live down the street from a pizza place and a convenience store. I love that I can go and see parliament anytime I want, and that there are plenty of museums and art galleries and other beautiful places for me to go and visit, even if I don’t go as often as I would like. I love the canal, and the way that the Rideau River looks near campus. I love how you can see the Gatineau Hills while riding the bus along the parkway. It may not be the biggest city, but it’s just right for me.
• Having the time to sit and think about what I’m thankful for. I could really sit here and list everything I’m thankful for (i.e. my bus pass, spell-check, etc) , but in all reality I have schoolwork to do. I’m thankful for a day where I can cook up a great meal and share it with people I love, and think of a list of thinks I’m thankful for. I’ve probably missed huge things from this list, but I’ll just have to make up for it next year.