I have lots more to say regarding the speech, but here is a play by play of my initial reactions:

• 2:20 PM: Melanie Ching It’s funny, I think this is one of the first times that I’ve ever watched the Speech from the Throne not as a Senate Page or a Public Servant. As a Page I never saw what was going on outside the Senate Chambers, as a Public Servant I kept my colour commentary to myself.
• 2:22 PM: herrealworld I really miss working in the Senate every day. Mr. Mansbridge is right, the artwork is amazing. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:24 PM: herrealworld RT @colinlefevre: “This is a day which will be unencumbered by critical response” @BobRae #sft #haha #awesome
• 2:26 PM: herrealworld Speech from the Throne website is still not updated. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. www.speech.gc.ca #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:27 PM: herrealworld MPs are more concerned about the Budget (yay!) than the SFT “fluff”. SFT is used a lot by public servants as boiler plate. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:30 PM: herrealworld GG has read 5 speeches, PM has written 5 speeches. He’s been PM since February 2006. That’s 5 reads, 5 writes, and 4 years. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:39 PM: herrealworld I see Pages! Usher of the Black Rod is off to go get the MPs. I’m still able to name most of the Senators I see! #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:42 PM: herrealworld An hour long speech!? Pages will have to stand whole time! At least they won’t have to sit on little stool. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:43 PM: herrealworld Three knocks and the Usher of the Black Rod tells the MPs to come to the Senate. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:47 PM: herrealworld I love Mr. Mansbridge’s little trivia. I’ve never watched this procession before, saw Paul Dewar, Judy W-L. I miss Parliament. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:48 PM: herrealworld Yay Pages closing the bars! Today I am missing my white gloves. But I’m not missing the black tights. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:49 PM: herrealworld And the speech has started. #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:50 PM: herrealworld I think I finally have it working the way I want, follow me here as I don’t want to spam my tweeps: bit.ly #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:51 PM: Melanie Ching And the Olympics is mentioned once. Also mentioned paralympics, so that’s good.
• 2:52 PM: herrealworld You’d think that given that the Speech has started, they could update the website: www.speech.gc.ca #sft #cdnpoli
• 2:52 PM: herrealworld RT @iancapstick: I’m a Parliamentary traditionalist, but this ceremony gets longer with the years and less relevant by the day. #downwit …
• 2:54 PM: Melanie Ching Lots of mentions of working Canadians (forest floor to factory floor). Who wrote this speech?
• 2:56 PM: Melanie Ching Top priority is to complete second year of Economic Action Plan (http://actionplan.gc.ca/eng/index.asp). You mean plan where we spend money in only certain ridings?
• 2:58 PM: Melanie Ching So far I’ve heard nothing inspirational or new. “The Government will not repeat the mistakes of the past.” I think that since the Conservatives have been in power now for four years, we can stop blaming previous governments.
• 2:59 PM: herrealworld The FAQ for the Speech from the Throne has been updated. Looks like they are using Action Plan branding. bit.ly #sft #cdnpoli
• 3:01 PM: Melanie Ching So no raises for politicians and review departmental spending. Make sure that Canadians are getting “value for money”.
• 3:01 PM: Melanie Ching Native people mentioned, along with voyageurs. Immigrants mentioned. “Bright minds with bold ideas.”
• 3:02 PM: herrealworld And finally we’re updated! Full text of the Speech from the Throne: bit.ly #sft #cdnpoli
• 3:03 PM: Melanie Ching “It will launch a digital economy strategy to drive the adoption of new technology across the economy.”
• 3:06 PM: Melanie Ching I can’t help it, I’m reading ahead.
• 3:07 PM: Melanie Ching “It will take steps to support a competitive livestock industry and pursue market access for agricultural products. Our Government will also ensure the freedom of choice for which Western barley farmers overwhelmingly voted, and it will continue to defend supply management of dairy and poultry products.”
• 3:07 PM: Melanie Ching It’s funny, there is no mention of “beef” or “cattle”. I guess that since most producers are already out of business, they are no longer a priority.
• 3:09 PM: Melanie Ching “Regardless of profession or trade, of industry or region, Canadians have always striven toward a common objective – to make a home and nurture a family. For many Canadians, there can be no greater accomplishment than to provide for their children, to contribute to the local community, and to live in a safe and secure country. Our Government shares and supports these aspirations.”
• 3:10 PM: Melanie Ching So you people who choose not to have families, can’t have families, don’t have “the right kind” of family, you’re not real Canadians.
• 3:11 PM: Melanie Ching Oh my, I heard “Our Government will also ensure the freedom of choice…” and had my hopes up. “…for which Western barley farmers overwhelmingly voted.”
• 3:12 PM: herrealworld RT @scilib: “Our Government will continue to support the renewal of the Public Service” bit.ly #sft #cpsr #cdnpoli
• 3:13 PM: Melanie Ching “To help Canadian families to balance work and family life, our Government introduced the Universal Child Care Benefit to provide $100 per month for each child under the age of six. This is direct financial support to working families that gives them the freedom to choose the best child care for them.” Cause seriously, child care only costs $1200 a year. Right?
• 3:15 PM: Melanie Ching “Too often, however, grassroots efforts are hobbled by red tape. Too often, local solutions are denied access to government assistance because they do not fit the bureaucratic definition of the problem.” I love it when they blame the bureaucrats. Do they realize that the bureaucrats are doing their best given the circumstances?
• 3:16 PM: Melanie Ching “To ensure justice is delivered swiftly, our Government will introduce legislation to improve criminal procedures to cut the number of long, drawn-out trials.” Why not get rid of trials completely? Seriously, all of those bad people should just go to jail. /end sarcasm
• 3:18 PM: Melanie Ching “It will make travel by air safer by employing the latest screening practices and detection technologies for passengers and cargo. While the costs of air security must be borne by businesses and individuals who use air transport, our Government will ensure their contribution is invested responsibly and effectively, and delivers measurable results. ” Cavity searches for all! But you have to pay for the gloves that are used on you, it’s only fair.
• 3:22 PM: Melanie Ching “Our peaceful, prosperous and pluralistic society…” /shudder. I love that they use the word pluralism but don’t really know what it means.
• 3:25 PM: Melanie Ching Oh man I used “they”. It’s so bad of me, the “us vs. them” thing. Can’t we all just get along?
• 3:30 PM: Melanie Ching “Our values as Canadians are rooted in our history and in our institutions. Our parliamentary democracy (how many people vote?), which brought together people of many lands (what about the people who were already here?), faiths and languages to live in harmony. Our federal system, which recognizes our differences, while advancing our unity. Our official languages. Our northern landscape. (How many of us live in cities? I know I do.)”
• 3:33 PM: Melanie Ching Second mention of the Olympics. So happy about outcome of the Olympics. But did Parliament really need to take time off? Well, of course! PM needed lots of great photo ops. Like this: www.pm.gc.ca
• 3:33 PM: Melanie Ching P.S. Why do government links need to be so *ugly*.
• 3:34 PM: Melanie Ching “Our Government will also ask Parliament to examine the original gender-neutral English wording of the national anthem.” Wow! This shows that the government really cares about women. Cuts to Status of Women when they first came to power are canceled out now right?
• 3:34 PM: Melanie Ching “To reflect the growing number of Canadians living in Ontario, British Columbia and Alberta, our Government will follow through on its commitment to address their under-representation, consistent with the fundamental, democratic, constitutional principle of representation by population in the House of Commons. It will propose legislation to increase voter participation by expanding advance voting in elections. Our Government also remains committed to Senate reform and will continue to pursue measures to make the upper chamber more democratic, effective and accountable.”
• 3:36 PM: Melanie Ching Orly? Parliamentary reform? Like how you were only going to appoint elected Senators? By the way, how do you elect Senators with no system that allows for it? en.wikipedia.org
• 3:41 PM: Melanie Ching “We are a northern country. Canadians are deeply influenced by the vast expanse of our Arctic and its history and legends.” www.firstperspective.ca
• 3:41 PM: Melanie Ching “Canadians want their Government to do what is right, not what is popular.” How do we decide what is right?
• 3:46 PM: Melanie Ching “That is why tomorrow our Government will present a budget (will we get meat and not fluff?) focused on jobs and growth – now and for the future. Honourable Members, let us join together to build a stronger Canada and a stronger economy (what about all the other stuff that isn’t the economy?). As you set about this vital work, I pray that Divine Providence (what about “the people of Canada”) guide you in your deliberations.”
• 3:46 PM: Melanie Ching Budget, economy, divine providence. I can’t wait.

P.S. Can you find me in the photo above?

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. The hardest part has been staying positive. As for the most part I know it’s going to be alright, but sometimes it’s hard to believe yourself when everything seems to be going completely as not planned. So not only have I been a bit depressed (blue), I’ve been feeling under the weather (green around the gills).

Financially things were stressful (I have a blog post all queued up on that in general), an expected check or four didn’t arrive at all. He and I got to spend Valentine’s Day weekend eating cake (which was awesome) because that’s what I had the ingredients in the house to make. When I ran out of icing sugar I tried making a frosting that used flour as a thickener, quite good and much less sweet. I’ll blog about that too.

These few weeks of freedom from work were supposed to be stress free and time to recharge. I had it all planned out, I had enough money saved to be able to make it for a while without having to stress out about finding work. Instead I stressed out about having to find money for groceries. Plus I was PMSing. And PMS for me brings hormones galore and headaches and insomnia and….

Bless Him.

I’m almost done a bit of work on a website (for lovely ladies), but sitting at the computer sometimes amplifies my headache. I’m supposed to be done a scarf for my Dad and socks for my Mom (Christmas presents no less!), but I’ve not had the ability to concentrate. And then I start feeling guilty about all of the things I’m not doing and then…gosh.

So why am I telling the wild world of the Internet this? Because we all have down days. I want to be as open and honest here on my blog about mental health issues and it wouldn’t be fair to any of us if I always painted a rosy picture. Will I go into detail about the panic attacks? Probably not, but if you want to know about them you can ask and I’ll find a way to talk to you. Because everything isn’t always bright and sunny and full of sweetness and light.

Sometimes things things are blue-ish green.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I was dumped in a rather unbelievable way. It’s nice when people use the words “heartbreaking” and “inhumane” to describe my ordeal. However, out of it all came a time for me to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of thinking about who I am and what I do. I’ve come up with a list of things that I want to be able to describe myself as in the process.

And “knitter” is one of them.

I had found this pattern (Mosey Legwarmers in the Spring 2008 Issue of Knitty) while daydreaming at my desk and reading blogs. It looked altogether too complicated as I hadn’t knit in ages. My Grandma C. had spent some time teaching me and my Grandma A. knitted and crocheted up a storm. My Mom is also a crocheter and my Great Aunt and my Lang Amma were good with the needles and hooks as well.

And then the OC Transpo Great Strike of 2008 began.

You see, I lived downtown. However, the difficulty I had getting out of bed to go to work was amplified that I had to cross a river to get there. And in the cold of winter? I wasn’t really motivated to walk. Even if it was good exercise.

Thankfully a new colleague D. had arrived and she had a car and offered a ride. I helped to pay her parking, but the better part was that we became fast friends/accomplices during the neverending strike. I had been throwing the idea around about making her something to thank her, but generally became exhausted when thinking about how hard knitting or crocheting seemed to be and gave up. But then one day for some reason I showed her the pattern for the Mosey legwarmers and I knew I had to make them for her. She offered to pay for the wool and I thought I was getting a really good deal. But as I’ve quickly come to learn, it’s not the cost of the wool that matters in the grand scheme of determining something’s value: it’s the number of woman hours.

I started making these leggings the first weekend in March and I traded the cost of gas for a trip to Toronto with D. I felt good about it, but little did I know that I’d not give her the leggings for nine more months. You see, the weekend after that I met Him. And though the endless bus rides to and from Toronto would allow me to have some time to work on my project, I was happily distracted by getting to know Him. It wasn’t until I sat down over this past Christmas at home and really concentrate that I was able to finish them. The pom poms are seriously my favourite part.

I didn’t have much time between getting back to Ottawa and packing to go to Toronto, so I wasn’t able to take any photos of the leg warmers on my own, as I wanted the lovely D. to model for me! Thankfully she was able to take some photos for me and as you can see: the legwarmers aren’t half as divine as she is.

Well, it’s been too long. Thirteen posts ago it was springtime. Hopefully spring is coming again soon. A lot has changed between then and now and mostly all of it for the better.

Let me explain.

Last March I met Him. Now, those of you who know me, know me well. Those who don’t can go to…well. Those of you who know me know that when I speak of Him, I’m not talking about Jesus. But He kind of thinks it’s amusing that I refer to Him just as…I’m off track.

He’s a rather awesome guy who just happened to live in another city. And who hated to talk on the phone, but who talked to me on the phone almost every day for nine months. He’s a rather awesome guy who I’d only see when I went to Toronto or when he went to Ottawa. Which meant if we were lucky, we’d see each other twice a month for a weekend.

This photo was taken by Him just after noon, three days before my 28th birthday. It was taken on one of the first extended visits we’d had with each other.

I wasn’t feeling the greatest, but I was feeling well enough to make it to the top of the Cup & Saucer, a lovely hiking trail on Manitoulin Island. One of the main reasons that I was feeling up to it was that I wasn’t carrying around 50lbs that was there the year before. Which is why you get to see a full body shot.

We were visiting his family camp as I was on my week long birthday celebration holiday. We spent Labour Day at camp, went back to Toronto and dealt with me exhausting myself while I was still a bit under the weather. But it was a great week. Photos will be going up on Flickr, but I’ve not uploaded since *mumblemumblemumble*…..

Suffice it to say, I’ve been a bit busy. Life changing busy.

I started this blog (I know, you’ve heard this before) in April 2005 as a way for me to document my adventures in the “real world”. It wasn’t long before I began working for the federal public service.

And here we are, 4 years and 5 months later. Don’t worry if it’s kind of a blur to you. It’s kind of a blur to me as well. During that time I had one major nervous breakdown and a couple of smaller ones. If you feel like exploring, I did my best to document what I could. But everything before today? That was Chapter 1.

Chapter 2 promises to be more interesting. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and boy do I have stories to tell.

On New Year’s Eve He came to Ottawa and whisked me (and my kittens) away on his black steed (okay it was a black hatchback) to Toronto. We arrived at 11:30 pm. Enough time to go to Jug Town for a bottle of orange pop and a box of kitty litter. We toasted the new year and promptly fell into bed. Well, onto the futon mattress on the floor. I had hired movers, so my stuff arrived the following Tuesday. It’s still kind of not unpacked. So no photos have been taken. But He, the kittens, and I are very happy in our well located, reasonably priced Toronto apartment. Even if it is a mess.

I’d had enough with the job I was in. I felt like I’d become wallpaper and couldn’t get ahead. Or a break. When I made the decision to move, I was coming up on the end of an acting assignment and there was really no hope for anything after that. Management had done what they could, but it really looked as though I was going back to being a junior analyst after I’d spent a year and a half as a “full” program (and even Senior) officer. With the long distance relationship I was using my already too expensive apartment like a hotel. I was able to walk to and from work, but I was so exhausted/depressed/disheartened that the five blocks seemed like an eternity.

It was a good choice. A few weeks ago I learned that I’d failed the competition I’d been in for my branch. I’m rather fond of the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” so I’ll leave it at that. But had I been in Ottawa for that and had He been away from me for that, I probably still would be bawling on the floor. My experiences in the public service had very much been of the “If anything bad can happen, it will happen” variety. It probably isn’t that way for everyone. But it was my reality. Well, at least until last Friday.

This morning I woke up for the first time on a Monday morning (okay, afternoon) and didn’t feel a ball of dread in my stomach. Even though I’ve taken off the golden handcuffs (for a year less a day) and given up all the security and benefits that go along with them, I feel more free than I’ve ever felt. I’m glad that I can say that a chapter of my life has come and gone.

Now, on to Chapter 2.

Today was Remembrance Day. My tenth Remembrance Day in Ottawa. I believe I’ve attended every ceremony, but I can’t really be sure so I’ll make no promises. The first time I went was in first year and a few of the people from my floor in residence decided to go down to the hill. At that time the ceremony wasn’t held at the War Memorial and I believe that it’s because the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was being constructed. The time line matches up, but since I can’t remember exactly, I can’t say for sure.

The thing I remember the most is that I dressed up and was wearing a skirt. And pantyhose. And high heels. I’m sure I looked nice, but I wasn’t really thinking about the fact that I’d be standing for at least an hour and a half for the ceremony and the waiting time before the ceremony. I’m lucky I was standing on grass, as though I can remember my feet hurt I don’t remember it being terrible pain. I do remember going into the bathroom in Tim Hortons and wishing I could just take them off as they were terribly uncomfortable.

In my ten years in Ottawa, I’ve learned a few things. I’ve learned it’s nice to call your parents to tell them what you’re wearing, just in case they see you on TV. I’ve learned I should always get up earlier so that I can have a spot where I might be able to see something, whether it be on the big screens or not. I’ve learned to wear flats.
I’m very grateful for being able to be at the ceremony in Ottawa. For many years I tried to get there in high school through the Royal Canadian Legion’s Remembrance Contest. I entered in both the literary and poster sections and made it to regionals or provincials one year. All I wanted to do was to be able to go to Ottawa and take part in the ceremony that I’d watched so many times on television. The photo above is from 1998, which was my last entry. And would have been my last chance to go to Ottawa through that contest.

You see, Remembrance Day at our house was a pretty important day. We always attended a ceremony or participated along with the one on television from Ottawa. That means singing along and standing up and being quiet when you had to be. And I wanted very much to be one of the kids laying the wreath on behalf of the Youth of Canada.

I didn’t get to go for Remembrance Day, but I’ve had the privilege to live here in Ottawa for the past ten years and attend the ceremonies in person.

In standing there today I reflected on a lot of things, I thought about my grandfather and uncles who went to war and of the uncle who didn’t come back. I thought about the fact that I was lucky to be at a ceremony with Prince Charles and how happy my great auntie would have been to know I was there. I thought of my grandparents and my great aunts and uncles and my aunt who didn’t go to war but aren’t with me today. I thought about my cousin a few times removed who was killed in battle in Afghanistan. I cried a lot and so did a lot of people around me. I sang my heart out, even though I was one of the only ones who did. At least when I started singing a few people joined me cause they became less timid when they weren’t alone.

I’ve never been to war, but war has affected my family and I. I came home after the ceremony and watched the video from the ceremony and thought about a lot of things. I thought about the Silver Cross Mother who now not only is a mother or a widow of a fallen soldier, but can also be a widower. In the commentary they mentioned that even those soldiers who come back and didn’t lose their whole life gave a part of their life for their country. And the families of the soldiers give parts of their life for their country.

The painting above is titled “Remember our Children. N’oublions pas nos enfants.” I used a photo of my grandfather for the inspiration for the soldier and thought of the wonderful grey-haired people in my life for the couple. I also like how it was painted at a time when the centres of the Canadian poppy were green. My favourite part is the father’s nose.

Lest we forget.

I’m trying to scan more photos as I’m trying to piece together my life between 1999 and 2006. I did a few scans when I first bought my scanner (the photo above included) but have yet to do anymore. The time between 2006 and today has also been rough.

I don’t for a second want to go back to when I was in this photo. Even though then, both of my grandmothers were still alive and I still got to spend every day with my family. My Dad was sick. I longed for adventure.

I didn’t have a Bachelors degree in Political Science, I certainly didn’t have a Masters degree in Canadian Studies. I hadn’t been a Senate Page. I hadn’t been a Parliamentary Intern in both the House of Commons in Ottawa and in London. I hadn’t spent 4 years gaining invaluable work and life experience as a public servant in Ottawa (August 24 is my 4 year anniversary of walking into the building where i currently work).

In this photo, I’d never been kissed, never had a boyfriend. I didn’t have two glorious cats who are the best roommates on earth. I had never met Him. I hadn’t met some of the greatest people in my life (I’d name you but honestly if I forgot one of you I’d not be able to forgive myself. If you wish you were one of the people I’d name, you are one of them). I’d not been to my little sister’s beautiful wedding.  I’d not be sitting right here right now writing this blog post.

I had never been dumped.

Being dumped was a terrible experience. Being dumped meant that all of the effort that I had put into the relationship and sacrifices I had made for that relationship didn’t matter. It meant that six years of compromises and shaving off bits of myself so that we could fit better together and so that our relationship could work didn’t matter. I was left sobbing in the middle of the apartment, not eating and just waiting after every time I heard the elevator doors open (my apartment is right beside them) that there would be a knock on the door and the words that would make the nightmare stop.

I felt as though I had done a terrible thing. I had sacrificed so many things for a relationship that was over with a note duct taped to my wall. I had sacrificed time with my family every time I went home to Manitoba so that I could spend time on the phone with him. I had sacrificed friendships to develop a relationship with someone I wholly believed was my best friend and who I believed I would be with forever. Which is how I justified the sacrifices. Because they were worth it.

I’ve learned something. I’ve learned not to sacrifice bits of myself that are important, because you never know when you’re going to have to go back and make six years worth of apologies for lost time. I feel so much guilt, sometimes it’s so overwhelming that I just try and ignore it. Other times I realize that though I didn’t really burn bridges that I’d be more comfortable about asking for help if the bridges were in better repair. So this post is dedicated to repairing bridges.

I have no idea who reads my blog. I barely know how to access my site statistics, I have no idea who subscribes to the feed. I know that I import the posts as notes into my Facebook account. I know that I get lovely comments on occasion from lovely people.

But if you read this and you’d like me to repair our bridge, please let me know. I’m right now trying to do the best I can but I’m spreading myself thin and getting overwhelmed. I don’t know what bridges were out there and who cares to reconnect. So if you read this and you want me to make you cookies or go to coffee or let you yell at me while I sit quietly, let me know.

For those of you who don’t want to let me know, I’m in the process of importing all of the blog entries I’ve ever written into this blog. For the longest time I have struggled with what I wanted to share and what I’ve shared. I figure at the very least that you all deserve to root through the contents of my last six years and see if there is anything good.

I’ve hung the big old “Under Construction” sign on my network of bridges people. Through the power of the Internet I hope we can get in touch.

http://herrealworld.com/

http://flickr.com/photos/herrealworld/

http://twitter.com/herrealworld/

http://facebook.com/herrealworld/

http://youtube.com/herrealworld/

http://delicious.com/herrealworld/

http://www.allconsuming.net/person/herrealworld/

http://blip.fm/herrealworld

Apologies for not having a more recent photo of corn, but the ones I took today at the farmers market (yes, I went again) haven’t been uploaded yet and I’m actually writing this as my corn cooks in its hot tub of goodness.

Corn on the cob is one of my favourite things on earth. Soon you will find out that I have many favourite things and most of them are food.

Corn on the cob evokes a number of memories for me, I can close my eyes and be husking corn in the shade of the trees in front of our trailer and looking out over the huge garden that we kept. If I explore the memory deeper, I’m probably sitting there complaining to myself about how much my Mom makes me work and how come we need all this stupid corn husked anyways. Oh god I was probably quite sick of corn, and the husking of it, and the cutting of it off the cob. But in the winter I’d be eating the frozen corn with the margarine already added and enjoying myself.

As I dig further into my self, I realize how grateful I am that I grew up with a farm family who struggled to make ends meet. I never had the newest clothes or the fanciest toys or anything. But I was raised on really excellent food. Food I took for granted. Food that was a hell of a lot of work. Food that fed a whole family for not a whole lot of money.

In the city I’m struggling to feed myself. Today I visited a farmers market, a local butcher shop, and a specialty food store that sells organic produce and dairy. I bought enough food for the week and I spent my usually horrendous lunch budget times two. Which I guess doesn’t seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things, but I could have bought a lot more food if I wasn’t being picky about what I put in my body.

The food I will eat for the next week will flood me with memories and longing. And then it will make me a bit angry, knowing that it’s the fact that I make enough money that allows me to eat like a queen.  For the first phase of my life I ate like a princess and I’m grateful every day that I was able to experience what not so many kids get to experience anymore. Which is part of why I’m writing this down.

One of my favourite memories associated with corn on the cob is my grandfather. My mother’s father. The town I went to school in has a yearly Corn and Apple Festival. There is a parade, and a midway, and a whole bunch of shopping stands. And free apple cider. And free corn on the cob. The line to get free corn on the cob is always very long, and my grandfather would spend all day waiting in line, getting his corn, and then eating the corn while he waited in line for another piece.

So tonight when I eat my corn on the cob, I’m thinking of you grandpa.

Sadly this is one of my weekends not in Toronto and not having him here in Ottawa. Honestly this is an okay thing for the operational part of my life as if I’m on the road too long or have company, I don’t do the little things like all the laundry or grocery shopping. I was speaking to a colleague today who is in a similar situation and he too feels the distance between Ottawa and Toronto spreads him a little thin and requires that he eat a lot of takeout.

My process post on this dish will follow (it’s just a fresh pasta recipe and pan fried baby summer squash) as it was my first time making pasta, but I couldn’t wait to share with you the result of a huge farmers market score and a night of hard work. The photo was rushed, I couldn’t bother getting my tripod out as my dinner was getting colder by the second. But this is quite possibly one of the most amazing things I have ever made myself. And sadly I didn’t share it with anyone as my default dinner date is in Toronto and I didn’t plan far enough ahead to invite someone over.

Which is kind of okay too, only because the two very generous servings I made will go to good use. The pasta recipe made enough pasta for four servings and I only cooked two this evening. I plan on seeing if I can find a farmers market tomorrow to find something to go with the rest of the pasta. One portion I ate, and god was it delicious. And the second portion is sitting in a lovely container in the fridge waiting to be devoured Monday for lunch.

Today I splurged and got a whole darn bunch of sushi that I couldn’t finish. It was a bit of an adieu to a way of life that I’ve become really accustomed to while working. I get lazy, I don’t make lunch. I spend 10-15 dollars a day on really sub-par food (the only easy option at work is a cafeteria that serves what I lovingly call “slop”), money that I could be spending on lovely fresh groceries and little treats like a block of Parmesan cheese. Which is totally what I did for tonight’s supper.

So here is to hoping that I don’t snarf down all the food I make this weekend for lunches next week.

Or alternatively titled: How shopping at farmers markets brings back fond childhood memories.

I’m sorry that this photo is so blurry. I promise that I’ll upload some photos taken with a camera other than my iPhone soon. But really, I had to take a picture of these berries before I snarfed them down.

One of the things I like most about being flexitarian is the fact that I’ve cut back on my meat consumption (I’ve been trying to eat only local or sustainable or organic meats) and that I’m eating a lot more fresh produce. Also, I’m eating less of everything, which means I can afford to splurge and buy the most delicious raspberries on earth.

And oh they were delicious.

In figuring out who I am, I’ve been spending a lot of time figuring out what my favourite things are. Fresh raspberries are one of them. Eating them on their own reminds me of the excruciating hours spent picking raspberries with my family. The only thing that makes them better is cold cream and a bit of sugar.

Farmers markets are lovely and dangerous things, I have to go in with a strict budget. Today I visited the farmers market just down the street from where I work. I went in with $15 and came out with a huge bouquet of sunflowers, a half-pint of raspberries and two pints of baby summer squash. The flowers adorn my desk, as mentioned, the raspberries are happy in my belly, and the baby summer squash will be a lovely homemade pasta dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow.

Farmers markets are an excellent place to find seasonal, delicious food. Yes, the food can sometimes be more expensive. Sometimes it can be a lot cheaper. But if you’re careful and you find good quality local produce, you’ll wonder how you ever ate hard white hothouse tomatoes from the supermarket again.

Being a bit of a farmgirl snob, I sometimes wonder how anyone could ever think that what comes out of the supermarket is a REAL tomato, as growing up I can remember laying hundreds of tomatoes out on newspaper to ripen so that we could can them for the winter. In summer, lunch and supper often consisted of toasted tomato sandwiches, sometimes with bacon or cheese, mostly just with salt and pepper and margarine and maybe a bit of mayonnaise. In winter, we had the most delicious canned tomatoes ever.

One of the things I like most about being a flexitarian is that I’m going back to how I ate while growing up. I place standards on what is good enough to eat, which often times means I eat less. This comes to me at a much higher cost as when I was on the farm, the tomato plants were bought but the tomatoes we ate only cost the hard work it took to nurture and harvest them. Homemade pasta will be a lot of work tonight and not everyone can afford to buy $8 of baby summer squash.

But the end product is going to be a small portion of deliciousness that makes my heart and my waistline sing.

The precursor to this story begins in my first year of university during reading week. Those who were close enough to family had gone home to visit them, those of us who weren’t stayed and did more of nothing than usual. It was just after Valentine’s Day and I had been lamenting to myself over the fact that for the 18th time in a row, I was single.

My roommate had her boyfriend come to visit her and he had gotten her two dozen roses and I was a tad jealous but quite happy that I was able to help him get a really good deal on them in the Byward Market. I helped her modify of my big water bottles as a vase and I was able to enjoy them as we shared a room.

There was a guy on our floor that was always very sweet and often girls would say “Oh I wish I could marry you!” to him. Very friendly, open hearted, kind. I will admit that I had developed crushes on many of the guys on the floor (you were all so awesome!), but one evening (and for the first time ever) that crush became something more.

I’d been waiting for this forever. This being a relationship. I had no idea what I was getting into; I just knew that I wanted it. And all of a sudden it was almost seven years later and I was sobbing into my telephone to anyone who would listen about how he left me that night and shoved his keys under the door. I have never spoken to him since.

It’s strange how things work out. The end of that story was a typed note signed with a red marker duct taped to my wall that told me how fucking much he loved me and that he’d call me in a few days about bills. The beginning of this story was a note that I found stuffed into my hardcopy of the Values and Ethics Code for the Public Service while cleaning my office for our move across the river. The note was attached to a dozen roses (one of which is pictured above) that was sent to my workplace and said “love me forever, the ex”. I looked at it, shook my head, and threw it in the recycling bin.

This story won’t be about my relationship with my ex. That ended rather crudely on December 5, 2006. This story will be about how being dumped made me into the woman I am today. And though there will be bits and pieces of the story of that relationship mixed up in this story and even though I (and a number of medical professionals and therapists) think what he did to me was inhumane, I’m going to do my best to respect the ex’s privacy.

I hope you learn as much from this as I did, I am certainly going to learn a lot from writing this.