You might have been wondering where I’ve been. My presence here comes in fits and spurts it seems. I’m trying to fix that. I’m getting a lot of help from Joe. I’m actually planning on launching another blog. I know, two blogs for me to post on in fits and spurts! The real reason for not posting this time? I just finished a ginormous writing contract. I traveled two and from the office for three weeks. It was nice. I’ve enjoyed sleeping in yesterday and today. And I’ll probably enjoy it again tomorrow. And then maybe I’ll worry about finding more work.

I’m also in a bit of a down period right now, bless Joe for not suffocating me with a pillow. I’m having trouble sleeping. And me having trouble sleeping means I’m super cranky. Which means I probably shouldn’t blog unsupervised. But really with no supervisor there is no one stopping me.

It’s the beginning of having someone in my life who no matter how many bad dreams I have about him leaving, he kisses me and says I’m stuck with him forever. Or is he stuck with me forever? I can’t remember for sure.

And for those of you who like the rose (Joe’s rose, i) and don’t watch my Flickr stream like a hawk: Joe’s rose, ii.

Originally posted on August 12, 2009

The Globe and Mail asked me: Do you believe in ‘the one’? [Survey is now closed, comments are pretty great though.]

Regardless of the results of that survey, the gist of it is: yes.

I believe in the one…
…who I want to spend all of my time with.
…who I immediately want to tell all of my news to, good or bad.
…who I want to ensure is the happiest person on earth.
…who is in my thoughts as soon as I wake up, all day, and before I go to bed.

I believe that there is one person out there for you that will be your best friend till the bitter end and not give up on you when even you’ve given up on yourself. I don’t believe that this person is predestined to be with you or that you’ll even meet this person. I believe that some people have to try and fail a number of times before they find that person. I believe that some people are lucky enough to find that person right away. I believe that with love and patience and effort, anything is possible.

I just got off the phone with the One as I wanted to make sure that he was okay with me talking about this online. I told him that I thought he was the one, and he was okay with that. So he’s the one that I want to spend all of my time with and all that jazz. Even though I wasn’t very good at blogging regularly before him, it certainly has been more difficult after him. Not that I’m blaming him or anything. Ahem.

I asked my ex once if he believed in “the one”. We were sitting on the futon and it was facing the big windows in our apartment and he was sitting straight and looking out towards the windows and I was sitting facing him. His answer was a flat out no, which immediately made me feel bad for suggesting such a silly thing. This should have been red flag a bajillion and two. But at the time I loved him more than anything else believed he was the one, and I fought hard to keep him. And it turns out he was right, he didn’t believe in “the one” and dumped me rather unceremoniously. And if I’m honest with myself I knew that he wasn’t the one a long time before I found that note taped to my wall with duct tape.

It took me over two years to muster up the courage to give my heart to someone, over two years of thinking and creating standards for myself and listening to those around me and not just rushing in head first and making more mistakes than I had time to fix. I thought I was broken beyond repair and that I’d never find anyone, let alone ‘the one’. Luckily I had people (especially V) who didn’t let me think that way all the time.

But then one night I decided that I would peel myself out of bed, put on some nice clothes (blue jeans, cute blue shoes with flowers on them, brown t-shirt, black shawl, gold necklace from my grandmother, brown beaded earrings from E.), put on some makeup (the usual black mascara, black eyeliner, sparkly bronze eyeliner, shiny lip gloss), walk outside and buy a birthday card and attend the birthday celebration of a friend of mine. It was a supper at Café Paradiso followed by dancing at The Rainbow and I had convinced myself that I would go to the supper and not drink too much and go home early.

And then my world changed.

After an evening of gorgeous food (I had the vegetarian pasta, it was one of my first meals out as a flexitarian. He had the lamb. I was really jealous) and loud funk music, I knew that I was on to something good.

Today is a very special day. Exactly a quarter century ago, my baby sister came into this world. As you can see then, she was a cutie. She’s even cuter now!

Because on this very day I’m self-employed (another word for broke), I couldn’t buy her the gift I’d like to buy for her. In fact, I’m so broke right now I can’t even think of all the gifts I’d like to get her because it would just remind me of how I don’t have millions and millions of dollars to spend. So instead I thought I’d show the Internet this photo of the two of us and tell you all (and her) a few of the things I think about when I think of her. There are of course many other things about her that I adore, but the Internet isn’t big enough to hold them. So below, a selection:

• It’s hard for me to think of my first memories of her because I was three years old when she came home. I think. I’m not good at years or counting them forwards or backwards. In fact, I just had to do math on my fingers and I’m still not sure. But I was born in September 1981 and she was born in April 1985. So someone out there can do the math.
• What I do remember is how much I loved her, and obviously still love her. I think Mom and Dad were worried about how I’d react to another little human (as I’m sure all parents do) and I remember that Mom made me a doll out of pastel coloured fabric so I’d have something to take care of. But of what I can remember, I loved taking care of my baby sister (and eventually baby brother but it’s not his birthday so no details on him today).
• I can remember she had a lot of ear infections and she also had trouble walking. This meant we had to take trips into Winnipeg. I don’t remember much other than getting to eat at McDonalds (the one with the play room) and getting little figurines from my Happy Meal. Chicken McNuggets, fries, sweet and sour sauce. Grimace figurine. And a Hamburgler one. Hopefully I shared with her.
• We played outside. A lot. Bike rides, tree climbing, playing in the loft. I can remember a time when we were bike riding home and for some reason I stopped in the middle of the road and she ran into me. She hurt her finger and I was so scared she’d need stitches that I applied pressure to it while somehow she, little brother, and I all walked our bikes home. Thankfully no stitches, but I felt bad anyway.
• I can remember staying overnight at Grandma Ching’s house and sharing the double bed in the West bedroom. Though I’m sure she’ll have different memories (probably of me hogging blankets or snoring or something), but I remember her sprawling out all over the bed and me being afraid to move her because I didn’t want to wake her up.
• I don’t remember seeing her at school much (we were at the same school for only three years), but I do remember waiting for the bus. She was rather small (and still is! At least compared to me…) and I can remember her big backpack. And waiting at the end of the lane with little brother. And making tractor tires and Big Bird footprints in the snow.
• We shared a room when we lived in the trailer. We had an old army bunk bed that my Grandpa Arksey got for us, and Mom painted it white with red, yellow, green, and blue stairs. I slept on the top bunk with my New Kids on the Block posters and she slept on the bottom. And then we got a new bunk bed that was blue and had a double bed on the bottom, and she moved up top while long-legs-me slept on the bottom.
• When we moved from the trailer into my Grandma Ching’s house, we shared the upstairs. I had the room with the door, she had three walls. Eventually I moved out for the summer to take French immersion, and she then gave me the three walls and a curtain. Her room was always cleaner than mine.
• Often she would write me little notes, especially if she thought I was mad at her. I’ve kept them all and even though I just moved and have no idea where they are, I think she’s probably glad about that as I can’t scan them and show the Internet how awesome they are.
• Eventually she moved out for university as well, which meant little brother took the room with the door and she stayed in the room with the three walls and a curtain. When I came home from Ottawa to visit, I had the pleasure of sleeping in her bed. And she threatened me if I creased her sheets.
• My little sister makes beautiful art and went to the University of Manitoba to hone her skills. Her thesis show was of beautiful contemporary quilts and hopefully she and I can soon make a website with a gallery of her work in it. She’s infinitely talented and I’m proud to display her work in my home and talk about her skills to anyone who will listen.
• While in University she met a boy who she was rather fond of, and I remember talking with her about various things that the Internet doesn’t need to know about. But I knew he was pretty special and when she moved in with him I knew he was the One. Up until then I’d seen my baby sister as someone I took care of and had to protect, but when he asked her to marry him I knew I’d have to share the role of taking care of her and protecting her.
• Last year I had the honour of standing up with my baby sister when she told the community how much she loved that boy, and she was the most beautiful bride I’d ever seen. I’ve had my bridesmaid’s dress hanging up in my apartment so I could see it every day and be reminded of the beautiful wedding she planned and the wonderful husband she married.
• In the past two years I believe we’ve grown closer than we’ve ever been. We’re no longer big-sister and little-sister (even though we still are), we’re two women who have the same mind and who understand each other. We’re two of three peas in a pod who we can talk to about what we did that day, what our dreams are, and who is annoying us. You know, sister stuff.

I don’t expect much of the Internet to cry over any of this, but I just wanted to let you know that I cried when writing it. The past25 years have been filled with us both trying to figure out what who we were and where we fit in the world. The next 75 years (we come from a family who lives really long, so you’re going to have to put up with a lot more blog posts from me about how awesome my sister is) are going to be the best 75 years of our life, as instead of foggy memories and trying to figure ourselves out, we’ll have new opportunities and challenges ahead.

Don’t you like how I didn’t mention at all how much I’m looking forward to being an Auntie? Oops….I guess I mentioned it.

I love you baby sister! Happy Birthday!