her real world

Feeling blue-ish green

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. The hardest part has been staying positive. As for the most part I know it’s going to be alright, but sometimes it’s hard to believe yourself when everything seems to be going completely as not planned. So not only have I been a bit depressed (blue), I’ve been feeling under the weather (green around the gills).

Financially things were stressful (I have a blog post all queued up on that in general), an expected check or four didn’t arrive at all. He and I got to spend Valentine’s Day weekend eating cake (which was awesome) because that’s what I had the ingredients in the house to make. When I ran out of icing sugar I tried making a frosting that used flour as a thickener, quite good and much less sweet. I’ll blog about that too.

These few weeks of freedom from work were supposed to be stress free and time to recharge. I had it all planned out, I had enough money saved to be able to make it for a while without having to stress out about finding work. Instead I stressed out about having to find money for groceries. Plus I was PMSing. And PMS for me brings hormones galore and headaches and insomnia and….

Bless Him.

I’m almost done a bit of work on a website (for lovely ladies), but sitting at the computer sometimes amplifies my headache. I’m supposed to be done a scarf for my Dad and socks for my Mom (Christmas presents no less!), but I’ve not had the ability to concentrate. And then I start feeling guilty about all of the things I’m not doing and then…gosh.

So why am I telling the wild world of the Internet this? Because we all have down days. I want to be as open and honest here on my blog about mental health issues and it wouldn’t be fair to any of us if I always painted a rosy picture. Will I go into detail about the panic attacks? Probably not, but if you want to know about them you can ask and I’ll find a way to talk to you. Because everything isn’t always bright and sunny and full of sweetness and light.

Sometimes things things are blue-ish green.

Mosey on down

Blogging twice in one week. Something must be going on! Oh but something is…

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that I was dumped in a rather unbelievable way. It’s nice when people use the words “heartbreaking” and “inhumane” to describe my ordeal. However, out of it all came a time for me to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of thinking about who I am and what I do. I’ve come up with a list of things that I want to be able to describe myself as in the process.

And “knitter” is one of them.

I had found this pattern (Mosey Legwarmers in the Spring 2008 Issue of Knitty) while daydreaming at my desk and reading blogs. It looked altogether too complicated as I hadn’t knit in ages. My Grandma C. had spent some time teaching me and my Grandma A. knitted and crocheted up a storm. My Mom is also a crocheter and my Great Aunt and my Lang Amma were good with the needles and hooks as well.

And then the OC Transpo Great Strike of 2008 began.

You see, I lived downtown. However, the difficulty I had getting out of bed to go to work was amplified that I had to cross a river to get there. And in the cold of winter? I wasn’t really motivated to walk. Even if it was good exercise.

Thankfully a new colleague D. had arrived and she had a car and offered a ride. I helped to pay her parking, but the better part was that we became fast friends/accomplices during the neverending strike. I had been throwing the idea around about making her something to thank her, but generally became exhausted when thinking about how hard knitting or crocheting seemed to be and gave up. But then one day for some reason I showed her the pattern for the Mosey legwarmers and I knew I had to make them for her. She offered to pay for the wool and I thought I was getting a really good deal. But as I’ve quickly come to learn, it’s not the cost of the wool that matters in the grand scheme of determining something’s value: it’s the number of woman hours.

I started making these leggings the first weekend in March and I traded the cost of gas for a trip to Toronto with D. I felt good about it, but little did I know that I’d not give her the leggings for nine more months. You see, the weekend after that I met Him. And though the endless bus rides to and from Toronto would allow me to have some time to work on my project, I was happily distracted by getting to know Him. It wasn’t until I sat down over this past Christmas at home and really concentrate that I was able to finish them. The pom poms are seriously my favourite part.

I didn’t have much time between getting back to Ottawa and packing to go to Toronto, so I wasn’t able to take any photos of the leg warmers on my own, as I wanted the lovely D. to model for me! Thankfully she was able to take some photos for me and as you can see: the legwarmers aren’t half as divine as she is.

A prelude to Chapter 2 – On top of the world

Well, it’s been too long. Thirteen posts ago it was springtime. Hopefully spring is coming again soon. A lot has changed between then and now and mostly all of it for the better.

Let me explain.

Last March I met Him. Now, those of you who know me, know me well. Those who don’t can go to…well. Those of you who know me know that when I speak of Him, I’m not talking about Jesus. But He kind of thinks it’s amusing that I refer to Him just as…I’m off track.

He’s a rather awesome guy who just happened to live in another city. And who hated to talk on the phone, but who talked to me on the phone almost every day for nine months. He’s a rather awesome guy who I’d only see when I went to Toronto or when he went to Ottawa. Which meant if we were lucky, we’d see each other twice a month for a weekend.

This photo was taken by Him just after noon, three days before my 28th birthday. It was taken on one of the first extended visits we’d had with each other.

I wasn’t feeling the greatest, but I was feeling well enough to make it to the top of the Cup & Saucer, a lovely hiking trail on Manitoulin Island. One of the main reasons that I was feeling up to it was that I wasn’t carrying around 50lbs that was there the year before. Which is why you get to see a full body shot.

We were visiting his family camp as I was on my week long birthday celebration holiday. We spent Labour Day at camp, went back to Toronto and dealt with me exhausting myself while I was still a bit under the weather. But it was a great week. Photos will be going up on Flickr, but I’ve not uploaded since *mumblemumblemumble*…..

Suffice it to say, I’ve been a bit busy. Life changing busy.

I started this blog (I know, you’ve heard this before) in April 2005 as a way for me to document my adventures in the “real world”. It wasn’t long before I began working for the federal public service.

And here we are, 4 years and 5 months later. Don’t worry if it’s kind of a blur to you. It’s kind of a blur to me as well. During that time I had one major nervous breakdown and a couple of smaller ones. If you feel like exploring, I did my best to document what I could. But everything before today? That was Chapter 1.

Chapter 2 promises to be more interesting. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and boy do I have stories to tell.

On New Year’s Eve He came to Ottawa and whisked me (and my kittens) away on his black steed (okay it was a black hatchback) to Toronto. We arrived at 11:30 pm. Enough time to go to Jug Town for a bottle of orange pop and a box of kitty litter. We toasted the new year and promptly fell into bed. Well, onto the futon mattress on the floor. I had hired movers, so my stuff arrived the following Tuesday. It’s still kind of not unpacked. So no photos have been taken. But He, the kittens, and I are very happy in our well located, reasonably priced Toronto apartment. Even if it is a mess.

I’d had enough with the job I was in. I felt like I’d become wallpaper and couldn’t get ahead. Or a break. When I made the decision to move, I was coming up on the end of an acting assignment and there was really no hope for anything after that. Management had done what they could, but it really looked as though I was going back to being a junior analyst after I’d spent a year and a half as a “full” program (and even Senior) officer. With the long distance relationship I was using my already too expensive apartment like a hotel. I was able to walk to and from work, but I was so exhausted/depressed/disheartened that the five blocks seemed like an eternity.

It was a good choice. A few weeks ago I learned that I’d failed the competition I’d been in for my branch. I’m rather fond of the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” so I’ll leave it at that. But had I been in Ottawa for that and had He been away from me for that, I probably still would be bawling on the floor. My experiences in the public service had very much been of the “If anything bad can happen, it will happen” variety. It probably isn’t that way for everyone. But it was my reality. Well, at least until last Friday.

This morning I woke up for the first time on a Monday morning (okay, afternoon) and didn’t feel a ball of dread in my stomach. Even though I’ve taken off the golden handcuffs (for a year less a day) and given up all the security and benefits that go along with them, I feel more free than I’ve ever felt. I’m glad that I can say that a chapter of my life has come and gone.

Now, on to Chapter 2.