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Today is a very special day. Exactly a quarter century ago, my baby sister came into this world. As you can see then, she was a cutie. She’s even cuter now!

Because on this very day I’m self-employed (another word for broke), I couldn’t buy her the gift I’d like to buy for her. In fact, I’m so broke right now I can’t even think of all the gifts I’d like to get her because it would just remind me of how I don’t have millions and millions of dollars to spend. So instead I thought I’d show the Internet this photo of the two of us and tell you all (and her) a few of the things I think about when I think of her. There are of course many other things about her that I adore, but the Internet isn’t big enough to hold them. So below, a selection:

• It’s hard for me to think of my first memories of her because I was three years old when she came home. I think. I’m not good at years or counting them forwards or backwards. In fact, I just had to do math on my fingers and I’m still not sure. But I was born in September 1981 and she was born in April 1985. So someone out there can do the math.
• What I do remember is how much I loved her, and obviously still love her. I think Mom and Dad were worried about how I’d react to another little human (as I’m sure all parents do) and I remember that Mom made me a doll out of pastel coloured fabric so I’d have something to take care of. But of what I can remember, I loved taking care of my baby sister (and eventually baby brother but it’s not his birthday so no details on him today).
• I can remember she had a lot of ear infections and she also had trouble walking. This meant we had to take trips into Winnipeg. I don’t remember much other than getting to eat at McDonalds (the one with the play room) and getting little figurines from my Happy Meal. Chicken McNuggets, fries, sweet and sour sauce. Grimace figurine. And a Hamburgler one. Hopefully I shared with her.
• We played outside. A lot. Bike rides, tree climbing, playing in the loft. I can remember a time when we were bike riding home and for some reason I stopped in the middle of the road and she ran into me. She hurt her finger and I was so scared she’d need stitches that I applied pressure to it while somehow she, little brother, and I all walked our bikes home. Thankfully no stitches, but I felt bad anyway.
• I can remember staying overnight at Grandma Ching’s house and sharing the double bed in the West bedroom. Though I’m sure she’ll have different memories (probably of me hogging blankets or snoring or something), but I remember her sprawling out all over the bed and me being afraid to move her because I didn’t want to wake her up.
• I don’t remember seeing her at school much (we were at the same school for only three years), but I do remember waiting for the bus. She was rather small (and still is! At least compared to me…) and I can remember her big backpack. And waiting at the end of the lane with little brother. And making tractor tires and Big Bird footprints in the snow.
• We shared a room when we lived in the trailer. We had an old army bunk bed that my Grandpa Arksey got for us, and Mom painted it white with red, yellow, green, and blue stairs. I slept on the top bunk with my New Kids on the Block posters and she slept on the bottom. And then we got a new bunk bed that was blue and had a double bed on the bottom, and she moved up top while long-legs-me slept on the bottom.
• When we moved from the trailer into my Grandma Ching’s house, we shared the upstairs. I had the room with the door, she had three walls. Eventually I moved out for the summer to take French immersion, and she then gave me the three walls and a curtain. Her room was always cleaner than mine.
• Often she would write me little notes, especially if she thought I was mad at her. I’ve kept them all and even though I just moved and have no idea where they are, I think she’s probably glad about that as I can’t scan them and show the Internet how awesome they are.
• Eventually she moved out for university as well, which meant little brother took the room with the door and she stayed in the room with the three walls and a curtain. When I came home from Ottawa to visit, I had the pleasure of sleeping in her bed. And she threatened me if I creased her sheets.
• My little sister makes beautiful art and went to the University of Manitoba to hone her skills. Her thesis show was of beautiful contemporary quilts and hopefully she and I can soon make a website with a gallery of her work in it. She’s infinitely talented and I’m proud to display her work in my home and talk about her skills to anyone who will listen.
• While in University she met a boy who she was rather fond of, and I remember talking with her about various things that the Internet doesn’t need to know about. But I knew he was pretty special and when she moved in with him I knew he was the One. Up until then I’d seen my baby sister as someone I took care of and had to protect, but when he asked her to marry him I knew I’d have to share the role of taking care of her and protecting her.
• Last year I had the honour of standing up with my baby sister when she told the community how much she loved that boy, and she was the most beautiful bride I’d ever seen. I’ve had my bridesmaid’s dress hanging up in my apartment so I could see it every day and be reminded of the beautiful wedding she planned and the wonderful husband she married.
• In the past two years I believe we’ve grown closer than we’ve ever been. We’re no longer big-sister and little-sister (even though we still are), we’re two women who have the same mind and who understand each other. We’re two of three peas in a pod who we can talk to about what we did that day, what our dreams are, and who is annoying us. You know, sister stuff.

I don’t expect much of the Internet to cry over any of this, but I just wanted to let you know that I cried when writing it. The past25 years have been filled with us both trying to figure out what who we were and where we fit in the world. The next 75 years (we come from a family who lives really long, so you’re going to have to put up with a lot more blog posts from me about how awesome my sister is) are going to be the best 75 years of our life, as instead of foggy memories and trying to figure ourselves out, we’ll have new opportunities and challenges ahead.

Don’t you like how I didn’t mention at all how much I’m looking forward to being an Auntie? Oops….I guess I mentioned it.

I love you baby sister! Happy Birthday!

As part of my website rehab, I plan on republishing old posts with updates. Though this post hardly counts as one from ages ago (as it’s only two months old), it still at least half applies. I’m not feeling sick, but I’m still in a space where I’m milling about and trying to figuring things out. However, I’m much better than I was at the time of writing this post. Probably because Joe is the best and understands that my mood swings aren’t personal attacks on him and has just learned to ride the waves. I’ll need to take him surfing someday on some blue-ish green waves.

Originally posted February 2010.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. The hardest part has been staying positive. As for the most part I know it’s going to be alright, but sometimes it’s hard to believe yourself when everything seems to be going completely as not planned. So not only have I been a bit depressed (blue), I’ve been feeling under the weather (green around the gills).

Financially things were stressful (I have a blog post all queued up on that in general), an expected check or four didn’t arrive at all. He and I got to spend Valentine’s Day weekend eating cake (which was awesome) because that’s what I had the ingredients in the house to make. When I ran out of icing sugar I tried making a frosting that used flour as a thickener, quite good and much less sweet. I’ll blog about that too.

These few weeks of freedom from work were supposed to be stress free and time to recharge. I had it all planned out, I had enough money saved to be able to make it for a while without having to stress out about finding work. Instead I stressed out about having to find money for groceries. Plus I was PMSing. And PMS for me brings hormones galore and headaches and insomnia and….

Bless Him.

I’m supposed to be done a scarf for my Dad and socks for my Mom (Christmas presents no less!), but I’ve not had the ability to concentrate. And then I start feeling guilty about all of the things I’m not doing and then…gosh.

So why am I telling the wild world of the Internet this? Because we all have down days. I want to be as open and honest here on my blog about mental health issues and it wouldn’t be fair to any of us if I always painted a rosy picture. Will I go into detail about the panic attacks? Probably not, but if you want to know about them you can ask and I’ll find a way to talk to you. Because everything isn’t always bright and sunny and full of sweetness and light.

Sometimes things things are blue-ish green.

I snapped this photo as we drove through an intersection. I’m assuming it was either Pearl Street or Pine Street as this photo is of one of two large green water towers that are scheduled to be torn down as they are in need of costly maintenance. Though I am a strong supporter of preserving heritage buildings, it seems as though it could cost $1M just to give them a sorely needed coat of paint. I took another photo of the other one, but I rather like it and it deserves its own post. I’m also working on integrating photo galleries into the site, so I’ll include them both there.

Sudbury is a community I’m only beginning to get to know. I’ve been there twice now, but this was the first extended visit. The first was on the way to Joe’s family camp on Manitoulin Island and we only stayed for a night and a chance to eat at Deluxe Hamburgers.

Best. Chicken. Sandwich. Ever.

Food distracts me. And I’m easily distracted today as though I thoroughly enjoyed the 10 hours of road trip (5 hours each way), I’m exhausted.

This trip was amazing for many reasons. We shared glorious meals (roast leg of lamb, turkey with all the fixings including this) with Joe’s family, went on drives to see family homes, and listen to Hawksley Workman‘s new album Meat (download podcast with some previews here! Recommend: (Happiest Day is A) Tokyo Bicycle) on the trip home. I visited Records on Wheels to get the album as I’d forgotten to bring any of my CDs. I didn’t stay very long as it was hot and I was over dressed. But oh the money I could spend!

I think next time I’d like to go to Science North, but only if it’s too cold for the beach.